Friday, October 24, 2014

Three Weeks

It's been three weeks since Sara passed away. Each day that goes by, the pain is the same, I think He just carries a little more of it. Someone said to me, "You will never get over something like that, you just learn how to deal with it."

It seems so wrong that she is gone. When I have a moment to stop and think, I picture her Mom and Dad, her husband, her sister and her children in the places we have been together, trying to go on. I cannot imagine their pain. Their tremendous pain is matched with an insurmountable amount of strength. I have seen it.

I love these words:

Nobody will protect you from your suffering

You can't cry it away
or eat it away
or starve it away
or punch it away
or even therapy it away

It's just there,
and you have to survive it.
You have to endure it.

You have to live through it
and love it
and move on
and be better for it
and run as far as you can in the direction of your
best and happiest dreams
across the bridge that was built by your own desire
to heal.

-Sue Fitzmaurice

I have learned that death is a part of life. Tomorrow is not promised. Death waits on no one. We do not know the time or place that we may be called home. Sara has taught me many things both with her life and with her passing. I have seen hearts softened, I have seen perspectives changed for the better. Grief is a real emotion that feels like a tremendous weight of emptiness. It can consume us if we aren't careful. Everyone must grieve in their own way, moving through the different stages at their own pace.

I am so grateful for my testimony in Jesus Christ, that I know I will see Sara again and that she is in a peaceful place forever. As I continue on this raw journey that is sometimes so painful, all I can do is let Him heal me, reach out to those who hurt and try to see the miracles that are here in front of us.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

This Girl

Sara was born in July and then I was born in September. We were born into a large close knit family. There were four sisters, our grandmothers, who would rather be together than do anything else. It was a blessing for us because when they were together, the cousins were together. Sara and I went to elementary, middle and high school together. She was a year ahead of me.

We spent the better part of those years having fun together. We spent days and nights in her pool. We loved to ride the four wheeler, we rode it in the snow and in the summer. If you knew Sara, you knew that she was always laughing and being silly. We were on the four wheeler and she was looking back at me-laughing and she ran right into the fence. She threw us off, her mom saw the whole thing and almost had a heart attack. We were fine.

We baked and experimented with our hair and makeup, we talked about puberty, boys, ate ice cream and spied on Sasha, her older sister. We rented movies, went boating and camping together and Ted and Becki took us to basketball camps and games. We made up dances to pop songs and spent countless weekends together.

As we grew up, we both moved away (me farther than her) I had a million boys and she had some too. Distance and life got in the way. Our visits were more spread out. When we came together we picked right back up where we left off. I felt tremendous love for her and from her.

Looking back, I can hear her laugh and see her smile and those two things for me are the true representation of her character. Sara was love. She was fun. She was light and laughter and all good things. She was a phenomenal mother, her legacy will live on in those little boys forever.

As we went through these last few very very hard days, I saw the way that she touched people. I experienced her force for good as people came from every where bringing gifts for her family, all this while reliving her memory over and over in my mind.

The comfort I have is that as I continue to try to walk with my Savior and lean on Him, I know that I will feel closer to her. I know I will see her again. I know that she is with Him. I know that God lives and He loves her and He loves me. I know that He will put our family back together one day, person by person when it is His time. For that knowledge I am so grateful.

It will be a mighty reunion.

In the meantime, I will miss her so much it hurts. I will pray for peace for her family. I will think of her when I see a rainbow and when I hear a silly cackle. I will do everything I can to have our boys have some good times together, just like we did. I will hug my boys and slow down and thank God for the wonderful times we had together and for the lessons sweet Sara taught me.